untitled
viviti


Madness reported in Southern Canada



"Mysteries, Intrigue, and Evil abound."

Everyone has -or should have- a memorably crazy night. Me, I've had more than my share. I blame this on my class. These are hardcorely fucked up people, well not all of them, just a lot of them. The story is not for those with weak hearts or hearts that seek revenge, or hearts which want to prosecute and bring justice to evildoers. (That means you Bush!)
I had worked all day and was looking forward to having another trademark crazy party. I was also looking forward to getting either drunk or high. Since booze seemed to be out of the question I decided to smoke with my friends. My one friend, who I'll call the Sneak for his own safeties sake, had the best weed I'd smoked in a while, this shit simply fucked you up quicker than quick. To use a stoner colloquialism, since everyone's an archetype. The Sneak called around 5:56 PM and told me that we were heading out to crash a preppie party. I told him I'd be over as soon as I could. At this point, good buddies Cham and J-Dawg were out of the question as they have a healthy aversion to parties including people from my school (They're smart that way). So once again I missed out on a normal weekend. Oh well, the price you pay for amusement.
I was getting ready to go out when The Sneak called and told me to hurry up. Heeg was coming to Sneaks house to drive us over to where Miguel and a bunch of girls (Drunkie, Drunkier, Incoherent and Off Balance , and Sober (who drove, thank the Lord)) were waiting for us. So, roused from my "party later" state I quickly got ready.
We got there around 8:00 PM, and everyone piled into Sober's(She might not want to be named, either) car and we drove off. We stopped by a convenience store to pick up supplies. The most notable were two tubes of Viper Blast. This is the wierdest candy in the world, it's really sour and it has a spray top. I have a suspicion that it's made for stoners. When you spray it, your throat goes numb and feels like it's bleeding, it's damn great ironically.
The Sneak, usually hyper and retarded, got an energy drink. We all sighed. So we got our stuff and continued on to pick up Incoherent and Off Balance(Won't want to be named), who already reeked of alcohol when she got in the car. I suspected she was drunk, but Miguel was relatively angry so I didn't make a fuss. After all I had to smack Sneak upside the head by Miguel's orders at least twice.
At maybe 8:30 we get to this party, and there's more cars than I figured on, so naturally my first thought was, "Damnit, there's going to be a lot of preps." I remarked to my confidantes as I was getting out of the car, "I just love being the uninvited guest."
We took some time getting out the car and by the time we'd crossed the gravel parkway a welcoming commitee had formed on the porch. We walked up and said our hellos and saw a dog. Amazing how animals are the natural FIRST target for things to get stoned - never other people. Sneak decides now's the time for a session, I can't argue and we all start. Here the night begins to get fuzzy.
I saw a bunch of people I knew outside on the porch so I stayed there after the sessions. The dog got shotgunned but I don't know if it was high or not.
Now, before I continue, there's a couple of running jokes that never ended throughout the party.
- The Screen Door Incidents (It's like a french window thing with tracked panes of glass, and a screen layer.)
- Crazy dude following Girls around but getting nothing
- I forgot - No wait, it was Sober's horrible aim with cigarette butts.
I was sitting on the porch and realised that I was getting quite high, the revelation helped along by Sneak constantly nattering on in such a stream.
Sneak-"Man. I'm feeling it. I'm gonna be high!"
Me-"Awww fuck man, now I'm starting to feel it. Screw off with your stupidity."
Sneak-"Holy shit I'm losing it!"(Hyperizing voice)
Miguel-(Laughs)
It was 9:30 when I realized I was going to get high.
It was 9:38 when life around me suddenly lost coherence.
Somewhere between 9:38 and 9:50 the next little episode happened.
I had been outside for a while, talking and laughing and having a good time when I decided to go inside. I crossed past a card game at a table, pushing people aside, and go to a kitchen type area. Drunkie's standing there, as is Heeg, as is the Sneak and Sober. Naturally it's a good place for me to be since something's bound to happen.
Sure enough, something happens. Drunkie's getting angry at people in the party and muttering the "Shut the Fuck up" type lyrics of a loud Hip-Pop song that's coming out of a surprisingly small stereo system behind me. I watch the Sneak trick a preppie into taking a shot of tequila, and it belatedly hits me that he wasn't holding up his part of the "We go shot for shot" deal. He's a sneaky bugger.
It's hot as a furnace inside and the type of people in there are crazy (plus the Hip-Pop is killing my ears), so walk over to the screen door and try to open it. It feels like it's moving slowly so I throw some power onto it. Bad idea. The door flies down about a foot of track, slams into the side of the door, and promptly falls out of the doorway. I look on in surprise for a second (I'm sure I looked like a major goof) and then started laughing like crazy as everyone on the porch was screaming with laugher. The host walks out and puts the door back in. I was the second person to kill the door, Sober (Surprisingly) is the first. I thought the host was stupid to put the damn thing in again, that's asking for trouble.
So I sit outside around a table with everyone who matters, screaming at Sneak to get him to freak out while he's talking to someone, and conspirating with Miguel and The Popcorn Lady about some stupid stuff. My co-conspirator "Rumor" walked over and asked me what the rumors were (This is a running joke that's spanned a couple of parties). I told him something obvious that someone else just yelled across the deck. We sit and make some jokes and suddenly it strikes me that looking into the french window door system (without a screen) is like watching a TV show. It's like the crazy show on TV with the kids, and the girl. The OC. It was like the OC. Except funny and real, crushed spirits, and no convenient plot twists...



I'll get a pic and funnify it later. But anyways, I was reminded of how much it was like a TV show and then vocalized that opinion. Everyone agreed. It was a drama, comedy, and documentry all in one. It was like TV but less glamorous and no one was really hot. It was still surreally funny.
Sneak, in his infinite stupidity, was looking for me unsucessfully. Hilariously, he was looking all over, while missing me; I was sitting in the same chair I'd been in for at least 15 minutes. Hell, the guy was talking to me a couple minutes prior to this. Anyways, Sneak was looking for me and constantly calling, at one point he leaned outside and asked if I was there.
Sneak-"Hey dudes, is L-Dogg here?"
Miguel-"Fucking moron..."
Sneak-"Hey where is he?"
Me-(Lauging loudly and uncontrollably at a display of superb retardity)
Sneak ducks back into the house,"I'm gonna find him."
A couple seconds later we see him in the french door TV walking down the stairs and then wandering for a couple more minutes. He pops outside and this time sees me. He had something important to say that probably didn't matter.
Some stupid prep biatches had congregated around an upstairs window and were calling down at us. I quickly tell Rumor that they'll jump and soon most everyone on the deck is chanting, "Jump,Jump!" interspersed with an occasional, "stupid bitch!" by me or Sneak. They call Sneak an asshole and feign not hearing me.
Out of the corner of my eye I see Sober flick a cigarette butt right over Popcorn Lady's head (she was sitting by the the edge of the porch best for butt-flicking I suppose). The butt bounces off of Popcorn Lady's head and lands in the plants behind her. I see this and beging laughing again. Not to be outdone, Rumor throws a cig butt off the porch next to me. The butt lands on the tip of a plant's branch and is still smoking. I joke that the plant's smoking weed and call Sneak over to watch. This is found to be hilarious so I begin laughing again. I figure the way my abdominal muscles are even slightly healthy is that I laugh so much.
Drunkier walks outside, is immobile for a second, and then spits on me; she must've laughed at a joke or something. I freak out and ask what the hell just happened. Miguel tells me she just spit an icecube. I remain freaked out for a couple of seconds, then locate the icecube next to the centre table and calm down. Every time I laughed and saw something too hilarious to be simply laughed at I jumped around on my chair a bit and stomped on the deck, shaking the entire structure and causing some drunks to think it's an earthquake. I promptly began laughing again.
On a slightly serious note, a rumor was spread around this time that highlighted that the chick Sneak tricked into the Tequila shot was getting fucked by non other than Sneak's mortal enemy, the infamous and conveniently nicknamed Dumbass.
I sprayed some more Viper Blast in my mouth as the party continued to grow in action and hilarity. Two things you have to realize are that I'm badly messed up and that time and space don't matter much to me anymore. I assume, in hindsight, that it's about 10:30. I recall hearing Popcorn Lady say, "I'm sitting out here just waiting to see how many more people are going to walk into that door." Funny thing is, I don't remember when she said that.
Her game soon proves profitable in laughter as Skilly, completely and quite seriously inebriated, walks into the glass part of the partition door and falls down. I and the entire group on the deck beging laughing hard. I stomp a couple more times, shaking the deck and bringing exclaimations of "Whoa!" from even sober people. I imagine I stomped damn hard.
At this point in the party, I decide a trip to the schizophrenic part of the party -inside- is in order. I walked in and must've done a spot of serious partying, or just standing around and watching the madness unfold. I maintain I did a bit of both. Here's at taste of what it was like; it was hot as hell, people were everywhere, bottles of alcohol were everywhere (They call that a teen stereotype on TV, ironically), girls were screaming, guys were scheming, shit was going down. It wasn't quite the peak of madness, but close to it. I, or Sneak, gets the crazy idea that I should roll a joint and smoke it. So I shout and ask for rolling papers, the exact (hazy memory) quote :"Ey... EY!!! Who's got rollies! I need some fucking rollies!". The host asked how many I needed as I made my way outside, I asked for one, and he graciously put it on the table. Sneak bestows upon me the Tin of Weed and I open it forthright.
A burst of barely perceived weed smell hits me and the smoke hunger strikes. Suddenly there are people gathered around the table, eagerly watching me, the seasoned joint/spliff roller get to work. I get the smaller weed chunks out of the tin and break them up a bit. I line them up in the paper and roll it carefully up, still managing to drop a lot of particulate all over the place on the table. I curse at that, and then look the thing over.
Me-"I hope I rolled the glue side properly." (Moment of close examination)
Me-"Fuck!"
Miguel begins to laugh.
I continue rolling, deciding rerolling to get the glue side is too much work. I somehow manage a good joint during the jibes from Miguel and cursing from Sneak. I baptise and tighten the roll, put the spilled pieces in, and examine it to deem it good for smoking. Sneak, who was being a bossy ass the whole time telling me to hurry up, picks up the joint and closes off one side. He lights and puffs. Then he remarks on how good it smokes. See? Even when I'm stoned I'm somehow good at a roll. I get my puffs and remark on how good it is, meanwhile sending a haze of smoke over the table and into the air with every exhale. This is bliss.
The joint burns down and is discovered to be too small when I ask for a light and Miguel nearly burns my top lip. So I tell Sneak to roach the rest in the pipe. We throw the back end of the joint into the pipe and light it up as well. More smoke crosses the table. He then says he's "going to do something very stupid" and pulls a nug of weed out of the tin and places it in the pipe. We smoke that too. My high which was up to that point dying comes back with zeal. Sneak goes back inside to the fucking mental melangerie of crazy drunken debauchery. I decide, wisely, to stay outside. Heeg ends up missing out on a session, which is fine because Heeg gets too fucked up from anything, another session may verily have killed him.
We hear screaming from the side of the house, to my right. Two girls, Drunkier and the Blonde, come running and screaming. I suspected they were both really drunk. It turns out Scotty, the drunkass with no sense of shame or dignity or non-retardedness was following them around hoping to get "a liddle somethin' somethin'". He turns around the side of the house and they go inside. Rumour turns to me and says "Here's the newest rumour, Scotty is making a fool of himself." or something like that. I laugh at the ongoing hilarity. Later, Drunkier crawls under the table to avoid Scotty, ending up under me covered by the tablecloth. Sneak repeatedly says that Scotty is, in fact, an idiot. Many agree. Blondie is nowhere to be seen.
Josh- err Rumour, leans over and says, "Hey man, did you hear the latest rumour? Drunkier just had a close call.
At this point a lot of preps went inside and the roster of people still on the porch is : Me ,Sneak, Miguel, Sober, and Popcorn Lady. Incoherent and Off Balance is soon whisked inside by some horny bastard. We don't see her for a while. I try and try and sucessfully I forget. When I am high, I get really intellectual, like I see the results of all of my actions, I see how shitty people's live just are, I understand the most abstract concepts related to the current event. Tonight's breakthrough was concerning 10,000 years ago. It went something like this;
Me-"Man this is fucked up brilliance, 10,000 years ago I can see exactly which groups of humans we'd be. The preps would be the cave dwellers, feasting and taking our women and being stupid while we'd be ostrasized to the outside, where we would thrive and be the forward thinkers. Like we'd kill wolves and make clothes and thrive, man. It'd be cool. Miguel, can you remember that?"
Sneak(Unnervingly knowingly)-"You mean like we're better than all of them? Yeah."
When I'm high and brilliant I always ask sober people to remember certain amazingly brilliant things I say and think, because I know I'll forget or haze the memory over. No sober person even remembers, I figure I'm less mentally damaged by marijuana than anyone, and that's saying something about a basically inert and "safe" drug. Fuck the naysayers, the stuff is way better for you than anything else, and that includes alcohol. I don't mean to lecture or prove myself, I'm just telling the truth.
By this time Heeg had come outside again, apparently tired after whatever he had just done for an hour, probably not much. He sat down next to me and began to talk loudly about some shit. I was talking to Miguel and the Popcorn lady at the time so I don't know what he said. I equated the chances of Heeg freaking out if I hit him with an empty tube of Viper Blast and shouted in his face and calculated them to be extremely high(no pun intended). I followed through , screaming at him and shaking the tube in his face. He freaked out extremely hard! He jumped up and screamed as loud as he could and kept it up for 5 seconds of unparalleled hilarity. I was laughing and stomping so hard there were tears in my eyes and my chair had fallen over. I got to normal and Heeg stopped freaking and sat down.
I talked to various characters for another 5 minutes until Heeg leaned over in his chair and proclaimed, "I'm high as hell." He was leaning away from me so I grabbed the side of the chair closest to me and lifted it, Heeg falls heavily to the ground with a loud thump and everyone begins laughing merrily again. It was a great time. Heeg was screaming again and we were all still laughing. Miguel especially liked this. Heeg got up and started making little gay-ass fluttery motions with his hands and saying, "I'm a bird, I can fly. Heeheehee!" We all laughed heartily again at this display of stereotypical stoner.
Twenty minutes later a couple people left, one in particular I'll remember. It was Demon-Girl with a face full of heartrending evil. I swear she looked like she was going to kill somebody. So I says to the people around me, "Bitch strikes me as pure evil!" Some people didn't listen so I said it again. I hear a voice, Sneak's from close by, "That's cause she is evil!". I incredulously say "really?" and some more people reply with "Hell yeah." At this point I'm slightly freaked out. With Satan herself running around I realize I need to sober down. Good luck...
Rumor decides to tell me that Sneak hooked up with some chick I don't think anyone wanted to hook up with. He say's he'll rumorize it. Before 15 minutes, the rumors reached us again and everone ardently believes it. Sneak is not amused, but he is also to stoned to know better. The awesomeness of everyone believing this is not lost on me and I begin to laugh hard again.
The porch empties and the music inside strikes up. After perhaps 3 minutes Heeg steps outside and says to Popcorn Lady, "Come inside, let's show these preps how to dance." His form of dancing is a bump and grind which is known to all girls as convulsive and really more like a seizure than anything else, but we laugh and everyone has a good time, so we don't discourage him too much.
Me and Miguel are last inside. We are greeted by a sight that is wildly surreal, and it wasn't just the drugs. Drunkie, Drunkier, Blondie ,Sober(?dunno?), Incoherent and Off Balance , Popcorn Lady, and Heeg are in the centre of the kitchen part of the house, doing a spasmodic dance to some loud-ass Hip-Pop. They had apparently shown the preps a thing or two about dancing, seeing as the kitchen was devoid of preppies. Me and Miguel stood back a fair distance and watched. I was either entranced by the spectacle or too caught up in my own world to remember to avert my eyes.
Some little kid and his friend, probably 12 or 13 tap me on the shoulder and asks, "Do you have any Smirnoff?" in a voice that sounded dazed and stupid. I tell him to look elsewhere and resist the urge to tell him to fuck off. I was so fucked up that I thought I was looking at a migdetine 17 year old for a second. He buggered off and I stood with Miguel for another couple seconds.
We go outside, Sneak comes after a while and shows me a pack of rollies he had liberated. He bumps the door open and goes in again, muttering something about getting munchies. The porch slowly comes to life again when a vaguely embarrased Popcorn Lady comes out and joins. I comment about the hilarity of the dance. Miguel's probably nattering on about how dirty it was. I thought it was fine since there were way more females than males in the mass dance madness.
Sneak, true to his thief like character type comes back with a liberated tub of salted peanuts. Fuck off if you have peanut allergies I guess. It got dangerous because Sneak got angry at me and threw peanuts. Fried friends are funny but you have to watch out at times(I have to be anyway, Sneak seems mildly retarded at times). I threw some back and the porch erupted with various peanut payloads being tossed about at varying speeds and furiosities. I never got hit but there was a lot of nut matter flying around. Eugh, disturbingly said.
I go back inside with Sneak, leaving the porch for perhaps the third or fourth time that night and proceed to stand around inside talking to people or some shit like that. Whats-her-bitch purportedly groped Sneak around this time but I wasn't around to verify it, also I'm damn glad I wasn't.
People continue leaving and Popcorn Lady's group of 4 or 5 people leaves. We (Me, Sneak, Drunkie, Drunkier, Incoherent and Off Balance, Sober, and Miguel) are the only true non-preps left. It is perhaps 11:50 at this time and I sensed, by how people were getting louder and more violent, that it was the best time to be away. So Sober says she's leaving in 5 minutes and our little gang files/stumbles/wanders/pushes out of the house.
We stand around while Sober turns her Suburban around and Sneak decides it's time for another session. He packs a bowl and takes a hit, passes it off and I take a hit. The Sub starts moving so I tell him to hurry and finish as I run to the vehicle and get in the back seat. Chaos ruled for a brief period as everyone gathered and got in.
Sober (Driving) and Incoherent and Off Balance sat in front. Miguel, Drunkier, and Sneak sit in the middle bench leaving Me, Drunkie, and Heeg in the back. We drive off yelling obscenities out of the window. Drunkier at some point calls some drunk guy a fag. Everyone seconds that opinion. I yell out "Fuck all the evil preps!" or something like that, and again a bunch of echoes resound. Sneak and Miguel are just yelling. I double check my pockets to see if I haven't lost anything. Fortunately I hadn't.

As we drive we listen to certain songs and relax, I'm still high, as are Heeg and Sneak. Drunkie, Drunkier, and Incoherent and Off Balance are all three still blind drunk. We pull up to a Tim Hortons and I realize that everyone but Me and Miguel, and maybe Heeg are singing the "So much for a happy ending" part of an Avril Lavigne song. I remark on how gay that is. Sneak quickly shuts up. Good thing, there was a large group of people outside that had to have heard them. Shit, I think.
We're at the Tim Hortons and we get out of the car, someone had the bright idea to walk pretty much across that town to get to Drunkiers house. I say goodbye to Sober and thank her for driving then join "those idiots". We start walking and haven't gone more than 5 steps when Sneak asks "Who wanted to walk? This is stupid, Drunkier's is across town." Miguel yells at him that it was his idea. I repeat that and add that Sneak is an idiot. Heeg's too stoned to talk. Drunkier and Incoherent and Off balance are way up ahead.
We cross the street and take an alleyway shortcut and Drunkie dejectedly tells us all that she's never going to drink that crazily again. Sneak tells her that he'll hold her to that promise. We walk until we pass another party. Incoherent and Off Balance and Drunkier walk to it. I stifle a small pang of dread, and quickly become apathetic again. It doesn't matter. Me, Miguel, Heeg, Drunkie, and Sneak walk through another kilometre of "rural" suburbia to Drunkiers house, who is far behind us. We say our goodbyes and drive off. Now it is just Heeg (Driving), Miguel, Sneak and Me in Heeg's minivan. We're all talking about shit I forget. Miguel got dropped off. Then Sneak, then me. I walk home from the main street because I love wandering while under the influence.
I get home and watch TV for an hour. I then hear muted stumbling from upstairs. My brother comes down, mutters drunkenly, lists, and falls down on the couch, dropping 3 beers onto the ground (these three beers stayed the night in the exact post-dropped position.) My brother soon goes to bed after telling me that all girls after Grade 12 are stupid, slutty bitches who aren't worth shit. I tell him they are already that way in my class so I have no good inter-school outlook. I go upstairs and sleep, or pass out.

That was about the end. However there were some cool things not quite put in the story:
-Five squirts of Viper Blast and accompanying silliness in my throat.
-The stoned dog chasing girls around, Miguel contemplates he's chasing them "in heat". I laugh at that one.
-Heeg acting like a general idiot. Priceless.
-Incoherent and Off Balance stumbling onto the porch three times each time a little more tipsy.
-Being on the best comedic roll of my life. People were laughing uproariously at my jokes, pity I forgot them all. But I did have this verified by Popcorn Lady, so fuck off.
-My drunk ass brother saying shit and acting all mean-drunk.
-Talking to Popcorn Lady, who acted high and sarcastic and wierd. Likewise for others I talked to.
-Walking around in Smithville, then walking home later.
-Realising that my some people in my class are sad ass fucks. Realising that others are the coolest people I'll talk to for another year.
-Miguel. That guy is pretty damn funny. And he laughs loudest.
-Watching the screen door repeatedly falling out.
-Slamming that door. I can't believe that.
-Having too much fun to be legal. Oh wait, technically it wasn't legal.
-Sneak stealing shit and acting tripped out.
-Basically anything that Heeg did, because he's funny as hell
-Driving to and fro' that party, and conversations in the 'burban.
-Scaring people, making more jokes.
-Hearing that Popcorn Lady, who didn't want to smell like weed, reeked of it enough to be smelt by someone with a cold(Her mother) after she got home.

It was a great end to a weekend and we all had fun. Sure some people had a bad time, but that might've been due to stupidity. I dunno. This was a day in the life... Scary ain't it?

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